The other day a neighbor said to me, “I haven’t seen you for a while.” (translated for your convenience: “You didn’t go to our coloring get-together this week”) I told her that I haven’t been feeling very well. Her reply was, “Well don’t forget we’re meeting on Sunday afternoons too.”
Now it’s Sunday afternoon at 3 pm. I live right next to the lobby where we have a large table and chairs as well as big, comfy armchairs so we can meet to chat or to have parties or have, for example, coloring group. I can hear everyone talking and laughing while they’re coloring. I’m at home feeling teary.
There are a couple of reasons I’m feeling so teary: I am in so much pain I can barely stand it and because my neighbor did not appear to understand why I couldn’t go today.
Yes! I am having a bit of a pity party! I haven’t had a flare this bad for several years. I’m used to having pain every day of my life, but today I couldn’t even get myself out of bed until 1:30 pm. I’m hunched over, stiff and heaven help me if I sneeze or yawn. I feel like a big lump of whiny!
The second reason I’m upset (and the point of this post) is that my neighbor seemed to not understand that I’m REALLY not feeling well. She has chronic Epstein-Barr virus and she and I have talked several times about flares, pain and terrible, terrible fatigue.
Was it my fault she didn’t understand? I did say, “I’m not feeling very well.” when maybe I should have been more forthright, “I’m having a terrible flare and I feel like crap. I hardly had the energy to get my clothes on today.”
It’s interesting that this topic should bite me in the butt considering what I wrote about in my last post (I’m Fine, Thanks.) For sure I don’t want the entire building to know that I’m hunch backed, barely able to walk and scared to death to get into the shower until my caregiver is here tomorrow. However, I realized today that I need to trust some of my friends and neighbors more. Fibro, CFS, and traumatic brain injury are a fact of my life and a part of who I am. When necessary, I have to be truthful about why I can’t leave my apartment.
Almost immediately after I posted “I’m Fine, Thanks” I got the most wonderful comment Two Thoughts on “I’m Fine, Thanks.” It was written by the blogger of Outbursts of a Spoonie. She is right on point. Now I’ve just got to work on being as brave and truthful as she’s trying to be. We all are certainly works in progress, aren’t we?!
PS: How do you handle telling others how you feel? Is it something you also struggle with? Share your thoughts with us. We’d love to hear from you!